This is one of the best explanations of the differences between men’s and women’s brains that I have ever heard. I wish I would have saved the original article, but here is the synopsis: A Man’s brain is a series of boxes. Each box sits independently of every other box, and we are very careful to NOT TOUCH THE OTHER BOXES. This allows us to separate everything in our lives into its own category (box). By not touching the boxes together, we are able to compartmentalize EVERYTHING, including sex. Yes, its true ladies, even sex gets its own box. Love is another box too. Which brings us to the favorite Man box of all….the NOTHING box.
We have an nothing box, and we use it as often as possible. When you ask “What are you thinking?” and we say “nothing”, we mean it. Our brains are shut down in that time period. It is essential to our well being to think of nothing on a daily basis. You wonder why Einstein, President Obama, Mark Zuckerberg and Steve Jobs all wore the same outfit every day? It is because the daily routine of decision-making that many men deal with is draining. Even simple tasks like what to eat or what to wear subtract from this allotted amount of decision making power. Thus, off to the nothing box. Sometimes an extended period of nothing is required; such as a fishing trip or other task which does not require decision-making. We make decisions all day long; we solve problems, get things done, and make shit happen. It is a mentally exhausting existence.
A Women’s brain is very different; it is like a ball of wire. Everything is hard coded and intertwined with everything else. This is why you are able to remember details about things and situations that no man ever could. We do not typically associate emotions with daily activities. This can be a blessing and a curse, for both of us. Women are consistently frustrated with the fact that men “don’t care about details” or “Don’t pay attention” which is far from the truth. Most men can rattle off stats of their favorite sports team or activity at the drop of a hat. But remembering what we said to you on the first dinner date we went on…not possible.
The benefit of this set up for women is that you remember lots of details that are important. You are so much better at remembering things that people like, birthdays, and that fact that your friend had a first date with someone that she met on Match. You ask questions, you think, ruminate and think some more. This is why you get mad when you tell us about a problem and we give you an answer; in our minds we solved the problem and it is time to move on, and to you, you’re still thinking about it.
So I post this blog as a service to the world; the idea being that although I did not create this analogy I do see the merit of it and thought it was worth sharing. It tough enough out there, and every little bit of information helps. Hopefully this will help you or someone you know at some point. It is not a justification, it is not a ticket to tune out, but it is an explanation of how things are.
Here’s the problem that EVERYONE faces in the dating/relationship world. You make assumptions and you don’t communicate enough. I know both sides from experience, sometimes very painful experience. But please learn from my mistakes and save yourself the heartache and troubles that I have already lived through.
Guys, the next time you take a girl home after a night of drunken debauchery and then are surprised when she is pissed off when you don’t call her in the next few days, check yourself fool! Seriously, did you really think that when you didn’t have the balls to discuss the fact that this is a hook up and nothing more in advance that she wasn’t going to read into it?!?! Yes, you’re right, that could short-circuit you getting laid that night, but it may also save you the trouble of filing a police report because someone just “randomly” decided to take a sh*t on the hood of your mustang. SHE’S A GIRL….she reads into everything. Women are like detectives trying to put together every little clue that you leave and/or don’t leave. She is racking her brain (and having group discussions with her friends about it too) trying to decipher if she is going to get anything out of this little excursion off of the usual path she walks, or just another digit added to her ever-growing number of guys she’s slept with that resulted in nothing.
Ladies, you are guilty as well. Men are idiots; you know this better than we do. Most of us guys don’t mature past Frat Boy stage until about age 28 or 30. Don’t put your heart and soul into someone you meet at a party or a bar and hook up with immediately. As old fashioned as it sounds, you still need to make us work for it and “earn it” if you want something real. If you are ok, TRULY OK, with a casual encounter and nothing more, then go for it. But you have to understand, most guys are looking for that perfect fuck buddy that will magically appear when I want to have sex, fuck me senseless, and then leave me the Hell alone for the next four days. It’s sad, but you have to understand, this is a nearly universal truth and you must proceed accordingly. Otherwise, suffer the consequences…wash, rinse, repeat…. ad nauseum.
So how do we fix this? Well, if I had all the answers, I would be richer than Tony Robbins and sitting on a desert island somewhere. But I have a few of the answers, so grab a pencil, cuz this is important:
1. Make your intentions known. — Do yourself and the rest of the people you meet the rest of your natural dating life a favor by telling them what it is you want. Yeah, it’s scary, but so is the end scene from Fatal Attraction. Which is easier to handle?
2. Be realistic. — You are setting yourself up for failure if you think you are going to change that Frat Boy or the slutty Bar Star into the partner of your dreams. IT AIN’T HAPPENIN. Don’t make your own life miserable; I realize you don’t get to pick who you are attracted to, but let’s infuse a little logic and reason into the overall decision-making process. Please…
3. Be respectful. — I have a great friend who is an amazing example of this. He is impervious to the charms of his ex-girlfriends, and he is awesome about listening to what a woman wants in the next five years and how that aligns with his plans. More of us should follow his example, maybe I can get him to do a seminar…
Happy Hunting out there. And remember, these are people’s lives you are playing with, not just their goodies.
Reposted with permission from Travel Au Naturel website
Blog: Swing Local
Well since “Buy Local” is such a battle cry these days, I thought I would put a lifestyle spin on that same concept. “Swing Local” is my take on keeping things close to home.
There are two schools of thought on this; some people never indulge in activities such as this in their hometown for fear of running into someone you know. The part I never understood about that is if you both see each other there, aren’t you both sort of bound by a code that what happens here stays here? Many swingers prefer to reserve their lifestyle fun times to trips and resorts, far away from home. swingers lifestyle
Being an erotica writer, I guess I have less to worry about in terms of damaging my day job reputation if I run into someone I know. In fact when I do, I tell people I am doing “research” and make a joke about the fact that this is a write off for me.
Anyway, in Arizona as in most major cities, there are not one but a few choices to be found. Here are what is widely agreed upon as the two best on premise swinger clubs to attend:
Club Discretions—despite an archaic website, the club itself is very clean and well decorated, with several theme rooms in addition to straight up play rooms. Each night of the week they offer a different theme that you can follow, but it is not required for entry. They renewed all memberships this year, and it’s likely the low price will continue for a while. Their website will have a 3.5 star rating, but to each his own. There does seem to be a fair amount of single guys that show up there, so if this is criteria you are looking for, you have found the right place.
Club Encounters—also located on the west side of town, this is also an on premise swingers club that boasts some hot action to suit anyone’s tastes. The main room is dimly lit with blue neon everywhere, and several stripper poles for you and/or your date to put to good use. There is at least one Jacuzzi room (from me personal experience) and a couple of other theme rooms as well. Did I mention its quite dark? Ok, just checking. The upstairs area is nothing too fancy, but there are some fun apparatuses to enjoy as part of the overall experience.
So if you are looking to try out the scene someday soon, or are unable to wait until that summer trip to the resort you have booked, try a local place and see if it scratches the itch. For me being in a relationship is typically enough; I don’t really “need” to swing on a regular basis. But when the opportunity arises, or we plan a trip somewhere, I do make sure to live it up and enjoy the moment.
As advertised, I have been writing for the AVN Award Winning lifestyle blog Travel Au Naturel, writing different things that I can contribute on. There are some fun adventures as well as practical advice on a few taboo topics.
Here is the link: http://www.travelaunaturel.net/tan-blog
Well, after a period of intermittent dormancy, I am resurrecting my writing career with a few new projects. I would like to write several more books of various topics, but am starting with doing some blogging for a website called Travel Au Naturel. You can find it here at: www.travelaunaturel.net/tan-blog
I am excited to be a part of this project; with over 24,000 members worldwide, I think this is a great way to make some noise about the books, and write some new material as well. In effort to assist in their Google Adwords and content efforts, I will only post the material on their website, so if you want to check it out, you’ll have to go there. Let me know what you think!
It is the ultimate modern relationship dilema; how do we make it work over the long haul?
In times long gone, you lived half as long and sex was for procreation purposes because you needed help working on the farm to survive. Now, we live twice as long, use social media as a major form of “interaction” and are rapidly losing the ability to commit for a lifetime. Why is this?
In this excellent talk on Ted.com Dr. Esther Perel discusses her cross cultural research on the topic, and it well worth a listen:
I think the talk from Dr. Perel inspired some real questions in me. How does anyone avoid the traps and pitfalls that a long term relationship brings with it. They obviously occur, otherwise my married friends wouldn’t be complaining to me about their struggles. I personally have avoided long term relationships (or any real format of a true, equal relationship) for about a decade now. Have I been happy? Without a doubt. Do I wonder if I have missed out on anything? Of course I do. However, based on conversations with my “partnered up” friends, I have had it easier than they have. Do I mind sleeping alone, coming home to an empty house, and gaining intimacy in small, random acts? I don’t believe I do, but it is amazing what you can get used to, isn’t it?
So I guess one question is, can a guy like me ever get reformed? Do I want to? I have contended for years that I would be open if the right person came along, but the longer I wait is that less likely to happen? And if I do take the plunge, do I remember just how I am supposed to be in a relationship?
I have always contended that people need two partners in their lives; one to be the true partner, confidant, fellow parent and friend to live with. And then they need that someone that they have almost a love/hate relationship with; someone that inspires some much passion that you can barely be in the same room with each other without tearing one another’s clothes off. Desire that is so delicious and palpable that people around you can see it. You can’t hide the looks on one another’s faces, and you ache for the next time you can be together. Something like this:
What are the odds that one other human being can be all the things you want, need and desire all at the same time. With seven billion people in the world, is it really 7,000,000,000 to 1? Is Match.com right, and they can find that person for you? Did I bump into her at the coffee shop two weeks ago and never say anything?
Heavy questions for a Sunday morning……
It has been a little while since I have gotten a really good piece of PR, but I think this would qualify…..
Cosmopolitan Magazine, the BIBLE as many women would tell you, has an online version of the magazine, and I am heavy quoted and referenced in a new article by Natasha Burton here:
This is an awesome boost of exposure for my book to the masses. I am not sure what the readership of cosmo.com is, but I am glad to have the article up and to be able to add this to my credit. The author of the article is well rounded, well read, and kind enough to include my input on this topic in her article.
So, continuing on in the same vein as the previous post, I wanted to expand on this topic a little more. I am going to try to stick to the woman’s side of things on this post and address the men’s side in another. But if you’ve read any of my previous stuff, you know I tend to ramble a little….
Anyway, after yet another conversation with a woman to whom I have recently become very close, I had another realization: we are all confused. But here is the real question…about what? What you really need to ask yourself first is “What do you REALLY want?” At least for me, I know. I have not wanted to be in a serious realtionship with anyone that I thought that was less than “perfect” (in terms of meeting my criteria) I have been steadfast about this, never wavering for more than a moment on occassion. In those moments I was concious of the fact that they were moments, and tomorrow or next week would be back to may same thought process. I did my best to never act on temporary impulse in those situations.
So, I have tested her resolve in her decision to be single and find a friend with benefits. She is very intelligent, attractive, recently divorced, and has one of the most captivating laughs…ehh hmm, anyway… She is delaying her re-entry back into the dating world for a little bit yet, but is mapping out a gameplan in advance. I keep asking her what she wants, and until last week she always answered the same: a fuck buddy on speed dial and then to be left alone the rest of the time. Sounds easy enough, doesn’t it?
And then last Friday it hit: hormonal influx. The demise of all that is well planned and sometime even achieved. You have what you want, but something in your brain says “I need more.” Insert skidding tires and crashing noise here…
Ironically enough, by Monday she reported that her “Inner Slut” had slapped the shit out of whoever was speaking on her behalf on Friday, and things were back to normal. Here is where things get interesting, the Ovarian Council rearing its ugly head. A new voice, one of the 6 – 10 people that live in her and every other woman’s head, had wrestled the microphone away from the current Speaker of the Council. Suddenly everything had to change; a new administration got elected and sweeping changes were afoot. In moments like this, all Hell breaks loose. If there was a way to know this was coming, every man would be fishing on this weekend to avoid the issues that result from this. But Mother Nature is a sadistic bitch, and keeps us guessing.
So I asked her, hoping to learn for myself and to help her see what had occurred, and to hopefully avoid this problem in the future. Had she been in a relationship of convenience at this time she might have had a meltdown, feeling like she was settling, selling herself short, etc. She might have expressed the need for more out of that relationship, and chased someone away who was filling the previously defined fuck buddy role nicely.
Here was another interesting point that came up: trust. “How do I trust someone who is a guy like you?” Excellent question, and I gave what I thought was the most honest answer: You can’t. Men who have options (or are good looking enough and/or have enough game) want to exercise those options. But, if you are looking for a part time lover, someone who fulfills primal desires as their primary function in your life, do you need to? I mean, protecting yourself from STD’s and such aside, if this is what you want, do you really need more?
I can see this is more than one more blog post….I may have to write another book, or two. Maybe I would be doing the world a service; or maybe I am just full of shit and like to hear myself talk. If I am lucky, its both and not just the latter.
This is what we all want to some degree, right? I want to look like that guy, you want to look like that girl, and we want to have crazy, outrageous, biting, clawing, multi-orgasmic sex. And then, we want to walk out of the bedroom and be the perfect partner, perfect parent, etc. Mother Nature is a sadistic bitch, and things are far more complicated than just having what we want.
For someone who has been very open about her struggles (and is quite funny at times) please refer to my friend Amanda’s blog. If you read through her posts, she is searching for a man in her life. A real man, not a metrosexual, momma’s boy who wants to told what to do and when to do it. But she wants what almost everyone wants; someone who is on the same level as they are, in most areas of life. But it is a jungle out there, and sometimes hacking your way through the weeds gets tiresome and tedious. I fear sometimes she loses heart, and maybe she is just a few more machette swings away from what she wants. (disturbing imagery, I know)
But when you stop to think about all the things that are stacked against you out there in the dating world, it is a daunting task. Most people have their own rules, their own playbook, and their own agenda, and you rarely get to see any of them. You are playing a game that even the end goal is vastly different between participants. So how do we make it work?
According to Jerry Seinfeld: alcohol.
Jerry: “What percentage of the population do you think is dateable, Elaine?”
Jerry: 25%!?!? No way, it’s like 4-6%. Have you been to the Motor Vehicle Department? It’s like a lepur colony down there!”
Elaine: Then how are all these people getting together?
Truer words have never been spoken, further proving that the Seinfeld sitcom pretty much covered every social scenario there is. But I digress…
Here is the problem with being completely honest: people don’t believe you. People have been burned too many times to trust that you don’t have an agenda. Or maybe you do have an agenda, but you know by now that if you tell a guy that you want to be in a serious relationship that he will go running for the hills, screaming. And men do it too; there are plenty of guys out there that need someone in their life all the time. ALL THE TIME. A generation of single moms raising metrosexual guys who are far more sensitive than the men a generation ago. The pendelum has swung too far the other direction if you ask me, or Amanda for that matter.
This generation of men has far too many wanna be alpha males posing and posturing as the closest remdintion of a movie character as they can muster. But when it comes down to it, you are faking it. You are not going to be a partner when you should, and be a real man when you should. If she has to put the pants on in the relationship, you’re fucked. She will lose interest. She will not respect you and no longer desire you.
Then there is the other side of the coin…guys like me. I have not had a real relationship in 12 years. I have lied to myself, tortured others by keeping them at an arm’s length, etc. and done whatever the Hell I feel like. I justified it in my mind by “being up front and honest” with anyone I was going down that path with, but that had its consequences of course.
It is the age old problem:
Amanda wants a guy like me
A guy like me doesn’t want to be in a relationship
We are both sleeping alone….
Mother Nature is a sadistic bitch.