It is the ultimate modern relationship dilema; how do we make it work over the long haul?
In times long gone, you lived half as long and sex was for procreation purposes because you needed help working on the farm to survive. Now, we live twice as long, use social media as a major form of “interaction” and are rapidly losing the ability to commit for a lifetime. Why is this?
In this excellent talk on Ted.com Dr. Esther Perel discusses her cross cultural research on the topic, and it well worth a listen:
I think the talk from Dr. Perel inspired some real questions in me. How does anyone avoid the traps and pitfalls that a long term relationship brings with it. They obviously occur, otherwise my married friends wouldn’t be complaining to me about their struggles. I personally have avoided long term relationships (or any real format of a true, equal relationship) for about a decade now. Have I been happy? Without a doubt. Do I wonder if I have missed out on anything? Of course I do. However, based on conversations with my “partnered up” friends, I have had it easier than they have. Do I mind sleeping alone, coming home to an empty house, and gaining intimacy in small, random acts? I don’t believe I do, but it is amazing what you can get used to, isn’t it?
So I guess one question is, can a guy like me ever get reformed? Do I want to? I have contended for years that I would be open if the right person came along, but the longer I wait is that less likely to happen? And if I do take the plunge, do I remember just how I am supposed to be in a relationship?
I have always contended that people need two partners in their lives; one to be the true partner, confidant, fellow parent and friend to live with. And then they need that someone that they have almost a love/hate relationship with; someone that inspires some much passion that you can barely be in the same room with each other without tearing one another’s clothes off. Desire that is so delicious and palpable that people around you can see it. You can’t hide the looks on one another’s faces, and you ache for the next time you can be together. Something like this:
What are the odds that one other human being can be all the things you want, need and desire all at the same time. With seven billion people in the world, is it really 7,000,000,000 to 1? Is Match.com right, and they can find that person for you? Did I bump into her at the coffee shop two weeks ago and never say anything?
Heavy questions for a Sunday morning……
It has been a little while since I have gotten a really good piece of PR, but I think this would qualify…..
Cosmopolitan Magazine, the BIBLE as many women would tell you, has an online version of the magazine, and I am heavy quoted and referenced in a new article by Natasha Burton here:
This is an awesome boost of exposure for my book to the masses. I am not sure what the readership of cosmo.com is, but I am glad to have the article up and to be able to add this to my credit. The author of the article is well rounded, well read, and kind enough to include my input on this topic in her article.
So, continuing on in the same vein as the previous post, I wanted to expand on this topic a little more. I am going to try to stick to the woman’s side of things on this post and address the men’s side in another. But if you’ve read any of my previous stuff, you know I tend to ramble a little….
Anyway, after yet another conversation with a woman to whom I have recently become very close, I had another realization: we are all confused. But here is the real question…about what? What you really need to ask yourself first is “What do you REALLY want?” At least for me, I know. I have not wanted to be in a serious realtionship with anyone that I thought that was less than “perfect” (in terms of meeting my criteria) I have been steadfast about this, never wavering for more than a moment on occassion. In those moments I was concious of the fact that they were moments, and tomorrow or next week would be back to may same thought process. I did my best to never act on temporary impulse in those situations.
So, I have tested her resolve in her decision to be single and find a friend with benefits. She is very intelligent, attractive, recently divorced, and has one of the most captivating laughs…ehh hmm, anyway… She is delaying her re-entry back into the dating world for a little bit yet, but is mapping out a gameplan in advance. I keep asking her what she wants, and until last week she always answered the same: a fuck buddy on speed dial and then to be left alone the rest of the time. Sounds easy enough, doesn’t it?
And then last Friday it hit: hormonal influx. The demise of all that is well planned and sometime even achieved. You have what you want, but something in your brain says “I need more.” Insert skidding tires and crashing noise here…
Ironically enough, by Monday she reported that her “Inner Slut” had slapped the shit out of whoever was speaking on her behalf on Friday, and things were back to normal. Here is where things get interesting, the Ovarian Council rearing its ugly head. A new voice, one of the 6 – 10 people that live in her and every other woman’s head, had wrestled the microphone away from the current Speaker of the Council. Suddenly everything had to change; a new administration got elected and sweeping changes were afoot. In moments like this, all Hell breaks loose. If there was a way to know this was coming, every man would be fishing on this weekend to avoid the issues that result from this. But Mother Nature is a sadistic bitch, and keeps us guessing.
So I asked her, hoping to learn for myself and to help her see what had occurred, and to hopefully avoid this problem in the future. Had she been in a relationship of convenience at this time she might have had a meltdown, feeling like she was settling, selling herself short, etc. She might have expressed the need for more out of that relationship, and chased someone away who was filling the previously defined fuck buddy role nicely.
Here was another interesting point that came up: trust. “How do I trust someone who is a guy like you?” Excellent question, and I gave what I thought was the most honest answer: You can’t. Men who have options (or are good looking enough and/or have enough game) want to exercise those options. But, if you are looking for a part time lover, someone who fulfills primal desires as their primary function in your life, do you need to? I mean, protecting yourself from STD’s and such aside, if this is what you want, do you really need more?
I can see this is more than one more blog post….I may have to write another book, or two. Maybe I would be doing the world a service; or maybe I am just full of shit and like to hear myself talk. If I am lucky, its both and not just the latter.
This is what we all want to some degree, right? I want to look like that guy, you want to look like that girl, and we want to have crazy, outrageous, biting, clawing, multi-orgasmic sex. And then, we want to walk out of the bedroom and be the perfect partner, perfect parent, etc. Mother Nature is a sadistic bitch, and things are far more complicated than just having what we want.
For someone who has been very open about her struggles (and is quite funny at times) please refer to my friend Amanda’s blog. If you read through her posts, she is searching for a man in her life. A real man, not a metrosexual, momma’s boy who wants to told what to do and when to do it. But she wants what almost everyone wants; someone who is on the same level as they are, in most areas of life. But it is a jungle out there, and sometimes hacking your way through the weeds gets tiresome and tedious. I fear sometimes she loses heart, and maybe she is just a few more machette swings away from what she wants. (disturbing imagery, I know)
But when you stop to think about all the things that are stacked against you out there in the dating world, it is a daunting task. Most people have their own rules, their own playbook, and their own agenda, and you rarely get to see any of them. You are playing a game that even the end goal is vastly different between participants. So how do we make it work?
According to Jerry Seinfeld: alcohol.
Jerry: “What percentage of the population do you think is dateable, Elaine?”
Jerry: 25%!?!? No way, it’s like 4-6%. Have you been to the Motor Vehicle Department? It’s like a lepur colony down there!”
Elaine: Then how are all these people getting together?
Truer words have never been spoken, further proving that the Seinfeld sitcom pretty much covered every social scenario there is. But I digress…
Here is the problem with being completely honest: people don’t believe you. People have been burned too many times to trust that you don’t have an agenda. Or maybe you do have an agenda, but you know by now that if you tell a guy that you want to be in a serious relationship that he will go running for the hills, screaming. And men do it too; there are plenty of guys out there that need someone in their life all the time. ALL THE TIME. A generation of single moms raising metrosexual guys who are far more sensitive than the men a generation ago. The pendelum has swung too far the other direction if you ask me, or Amanda for that matter.
This generation of men has far too many wanna be alpha males posing and posturing as the closest remdintion of a movie character as they can muster. But when it comes down to it, you are faking it. You are not going to be a partner when you should, and be a real man when you should. If she has to put the pants on in the relationship, you’re fucked. She will lose interest. She will not respect you and no longer desire you.
Then there is the other side of the coin…guys like me. I have not had a real relationship in 12 years. I have lied to myself, tortured others by keeping them at an arm’s length, etc. and done whatever the Hell I feel like. I justified it in my mind by “being up front and honest” with anyone I was going down that path with, but that had its consequences of course.
It is the age old problem:
Amanda wants a guy like me
A guy like me doesn’t want to be in a relationship
We are both sleeping alone….
Mother Nature is a sadistic bitch.
Well, sometimes she is. But never forget that she really like sex too. Great sex; hot, steamy, snarling, cussing, dirty sex she can brag to her friends about kinda sex. What she wants is to be taken. This is the central theme of almost every romance novel (which by the way account for 55% of all paperback books sold) and the secret desire of every woman at least part of the time. The trick is finding ways to turn that desire loose. You wouldn’t believe some of the filthy things women have said to me in bed…..The desire is there, and she wants you to release her inner whore.
As the old saying goes, you can’t win the game in the first quarter, but you sure as Hell can lose it. Grab a pencil boys, for this post is a lesson in the basics. Sometimes it is the little gestures that go a long way. So guys, whether you have figured most of the things out on your own, consulted previous lovers or romance gurus, the better pre-game you have, the better the big show is going to be. Believe me, it helps me to have so many guys out there fumbling around in the dark, but I feel a little obligated to offer some help. Take note….
I would suggest start with yourself:
Are you fit?
Did you put some effort into how you look for your date?
Did you lie in your online dating profile and expect to “sell” your way around the extra pounds and scraggly beard? Yeah, good luck with that.
Did you put on the right amount of cologne? Too much is a deal breaker, but the right amount is a huge help. Women love a guy who smells good.
Next, brush up on the social skills.
Wherever you are meeting her, get there first. Let her know how and where to find you (text her where your seated or tell the hostess she will be looking for you) Be waiting for her, seated in the bar or restaurant facing the door so you she her when she enters the room. STAND WHEN SHE ENTERS THE ROOM. Greet her appropriately, make eye contact but compliment something about her without looking at it. Notice some small detail (trust me, she has put far more thought and effort into this than you have) and compliment her on that as well. Sit only after she does.
Throughout the rest of the evening…
Give her your undivided attention and focus. Try not to notice the waitress until she is standing right next to the table. Don’t flirt with the bartender (you douchebag) and TALK ABOUT HER. (yes, I am guilty of this…all the time. But I’m so interesting!!!:-) Have a drink or two, and wait for her to open up to you. If it doesn’t, you can’t force it. She’s already decided ahead of time what was going to happen tonight. She might be shaved slick and wearing her favorite thong, ready to rock and roll. Or she might have not shaved her legs and is wearing her granny panties just to make sure that she doesn’t get talked into anything she doesn’t want to do yet. Most women have strict rules about this sort of thing. Follow them, and trust me, it’ll be worth the wait.
So now its decision time…
How well is the night going? Are you sure she wants you to kiss her goodbye, take her home, etc…Hmm, the magic question. And one you are going to have to for the most part answer for yourself. If she touches you in any way, you are probably in business. If she is frantically searching for her keys in her purse, not making eye contact, and walking what seems to be a bit faster than normal, save yourself the rejection and say a polite goodbye.
But…if you have been a good boy, with a little bad boy thrown in, and made sure she knows you want her, you are probably in business. She needs to know you will treat her with respect and not judge her, then and only then should you go in for the closing kiss. Make it nice at first, respectful, sweet. Let her pull away, look her in the eyes and then pull her back into you. Touch her face, slide your hand along the slide of her neck and hold her while you kiss her. If she melts into you, moves forward and presses against you, runs her hands over your arms, then you are doing a good job and she is into it. Gently grab a handful of hair and pull her head firmly to one side and kiss her harder. Press her against the nearest stationary object and hold her there. Don’t be threatening or overbearing, but let her now that you are going to be a man about this. If she presses into you, runs her hands over you, whatever, she is following your lead. Go slowly, but by all means round the corner and head for second (proverbially speaking) You are going to be a man about this.
You are going to take her home, press her against the door at your place and kiss her long and hard again. And then you are going to take her into the bedroom and ravage her just like the men in the romance novels do. You are going to start out nice, but you are going to escalate things until you are pinning her arm behind her back and have a handful of hair in your other hand while you fuck her like an animal from behind. (see photo above) If she is into you, this is what she wants. It’s how she wants it. Man up and do it.
Afterwards, stroke her hair and hold her trembling body in your arms. Let her drift off to sleep if she does. If she wants to talk, then converse freely with her. Post orgasm is about as open and honest as you’ll ever be, so let it flow. (yes, the scene in There’s Something about Mary is totally true.)
Now, some notes on integrity…for everyone’s sake, but up front about what you want out of this. If you are looking for a one night stand, you better let her know up front. She’s a big girl, and she may decide that she can handle it and is down for that. If you sleep with her and never call her again, expect to be filing a police report for “random damage” to your car. Yes, at the risk of not having sex, you’d better be up front about your intentions. If you are looking for a relationship, that’s great, proceed accordingly. Be sure you didn’t mistakenly pick the bar star that everyone has a turn with and try to make her you girlfriend. That is going to end badly, for you.
Play the game, know the rules and your target. Play with integrity, and leave it all on the field. Know what you want and how to get it. And put on the best show you can the first time; it’ll get you the callback and the key to the secret garden her mind frolics in. She is way more sexual than you think she is, you just have to get her to trust you and gain the comfort to turn it loose.
Now, to preface this, I have not seen this movie in a really, really long time. But I was out with a friend the other night and we ran into two girls he knows and we all started talking over drinks. Well one thing lead to another, and the conversation turned to my book (ok, I lead it that way, but still…) I discussed the book with the girls and they of course had the usual questions such as “How do you write the woman’s part, are the stories all true,” etc. So, I began an explanation…
I brought up one of the things I recalled as an influence on my mildly warped and ridiculously oversexed brain is the movie “Thief of Hearts.” It was released in 1984 and to very little critical acclaim. It barely made money overall at the box office, but I remember the impact it had on me. The crux of the story is that there is a good looking guy (Scott) who is a thief, and he has been casing several homes in a wealthy neighborhood. Blah, Blah, blah, he breaks into the home of the two main characters who are an “average married couple” and steals a bunch of their stuff. One of the things he steals is a collection of private diaries of the wife.
The “average marriage” in this movie is between a bored, mousey housewife named Mickey and her husband Ray. He is overworked and dedicated to his career, and herein lies the problem…she writes these erotic, steamy tales about the sex life she wishes she had in the diaries and the thief reads them. Because he knows everything she wishes for, how lonely she is, etc. she becomes an easy target for seduction. He decides to pursue her, and her inner sex kitten personality she refers to in the diaries as Michelle.
This is one of the things I found profoundly interesting, the concept that this woman embraced her other personalities and was so different in this different roles. Granted, I was in my early teens at the time of this movie release, but it opened my eyes to a thought process I never considered. It did take me a while to understand that the girls my age didn’t subscribe to this concept, but that is a story for another time.
Anyway, the screen shot I borrowed for this blog post was from one of the sexiest, hottest scenes I can ever recall. After meeting “by chance” several times, Scott invites Mickey to the shooting range with him. He knows she finds appeal in learning new things, and she is obviously attracted to him already. They go to the shooting range during the day and are there all alone. He is going to show her how to handle a gun, and stands behind her to show her the proper form. He touches her for the first time, their bodies press together as she squeezes the weapon in her hand (great symbolism) His hands are overtop hers, holding them in place, helping, guiding her to the target. She pulls the trigger and the jolt of the first shot reverberates through her. It turns her on; the power, the feeling, the surprise of it.
His hands begin to slowly slide down her arms, down her sides, and around her waist. She squeezes another round off, fully aware of what he is doing, but willing to follow along. His hands stop, and start upwards, moving towards her breasts. She fires another round, and melts backwards into him as he hands envelop her. Her eyes almost roll back in her head as she turns to kiss him for the first time…….
Fucking awesome, I must say. This scene sticks in mind my like it was yesterday that I saw it. The concept of having the “behind the scenes look” into this woman’s deepest fantasies and secrets was such a turn on for me as a young guy. A guidebook into a world of sensual delight I knew nothing about at that point. Luckily I had someone who lived close by who did subscribe to this theory and was willing to teach me a lot about that world; but that too it a story for another time……
Well, thanks to the mainstream popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey by E L James, I have seen a spike in book sales lately. In fact, it appears that I am sitting at number 45 in the Erotica category at the moment. That might sound a little low on the totem pole, but when you consider that when you search in amazon in that category over 13,000 title pop up.
I had almost forgotten about this interview I did when I attended the AVN show in Las Vegas. There is a fair amount of background noise because it was done live at the AVN show, but it is one of the few interviews I have done live versus written for a blog or something like that.
Here is the link: href=”http://sincityspeaks.com/055-find-out-both-sides-of-the-story-in-flipside-erotica/” title=”click me for interview” target=”_blank”>
I think it came out ok; hopefully I represented myself well and don’t sound like too much of a self-serving douchebag.
Just so you know, I did not write this article. Please note that this is reprinted from The Stir…a women targeted website. Just saying…..
One of the Most Detested Sex Acts Is Good for Women
Posted by Jamye Waxman on June 17, 2011 at 6:41 PM
“I’ve always been a swallower. As a child, I swallowed anything the vacuum cleaner failed to pick up. Crayons. Paper. Nose boogers. Nothing felt dirty or wrong, even if the look on my mother’s face told me otherwise. It wasn’t until I started giving blow jobs that I thought about what I swallowed. I had given up breast milk long before then, and the idea of swallowing something out of someone else’s body felt odd. But anything feels strange until you get used to doing it.
There’s a lot of chatter over the age old sex debate, to spit or swallow, but when it comes to decisions, this is an easy one. If you love your partner and can muster up enough strength to take one for the team, take one for the team. Not only do guys love it when women swallow — something about the whole completion thing — but there are actually measurable benefits to swallowing, too.
1. Semen can boost your mood. Sure, this study had to do with intercourse, but if the hormones in semen, mainly testosterone and estrogen, make women happy when they screw, why wouldn’t they make women happy when they swallow? Going on that theory, swallowing can make you happier. So next time the kids are screaming for SpongeBob, think about the benefits of another type of bob. The head bob.
2. Semen does a body good, pass it on. That’s right, semen may be a cure for sore throats and diabetes! The next time you eat too much sugar and worry about your insulin levels, balance it out with a little semen (and, of course, talk to your doctor). If you lose your voice shouting at the kids for fighting, protect your throat with semen. These are only some of the possible medical benefits for semen. I can only imagine what else science will uncover about swallowing. Perhaps it’s the cure for world hunger?
3. Semen can taste good. Like French fries or fruit, it all depends on what he eats. When you’re looking for a filling snack, why not a little love juice? It’s high in protein and only 20 calories per teaspoon. And when he eats celery, cranberries, watermelon, and drinks pineapple juice, he’ll taste even juicer.
4. And for those who can’t get themselves to swallow, fear not. You should feel good knowing that a little semen on your face may do wonders for your skin. According to The Sexual Teachings of the White Tigress, semen facials are good for you. And in her memoir, I’m Wild Again, even Helen Gurley Brown recommends the semen facial: “Spread semen over your face, [it's] probably full of protein as sperm can eventually become babies. Makes a fine mask — and he’ll be pleased.”
Do you prefer to spit or swallow?
About the author
Jamye Waxman M.Ed is a sex educator and writer who loves to cuddle. She believes that intimacy takes work but should be fun, and communication is the key. She’s also a TMI kind of girl.
And see, all this time you thought I was being selfish……
I know….it’s been quite a long time since I have posted anything on the blog. Sometimes life gets in the way, and the passed six months I have been knee deep in a new project that is absorbing every ounce of free time I have. So, I decided to take a break one day and venture out. A funny thing happened when I did.
Ok, so the story goes like this; I am hanging out at The Hideaway Bar in Cave Creek and ran into a few friends of mine there. We were doing the usual things you do at a bar, including checking out all the ladies that were also hanging out there. In walks this woman in jeans and leather riding chaps (did I mention this is a biker bar?) and the photo you see is the patch she had on her chaps.
So as I stood there contemplating what exactly to say to her, she caught my in mid-stare. I had to either run for my life or walk over to her. Luckily, I chose the latter, and went over to say hi. She may have looked a little rough around the edges, but she turned out to be quite nice, and also a paralegal. Huh…who would have guessed?
So I asked if i could take a picture of her patch (on her chaps) and she agreed. She laughed, saying that she gets all kinds of funny comments on that thing. I started to ask if she meant that her pussy was fanstatic, if it woud actually kill you, or if maybe there was a third meaning to it I had not considered.
I am still waiting to hear…..