She seems like a nice girl.....

I know….it’s been quite a long time since I have posted anything on the blog. Sometimes life gets in the way, and the passed six months I have been knee deep in a new project that is absorbing every ounce of free time I have. So, I decided to take a break one day and venture out. A funny thing happened when I did.

Ok, so the story goes like this; I am hanging out at The Hideaway Bar in Cave Creek and ran into a few friends of mine there. We were doing the usual things you do at a bar, including checking out all the ladies that were also hanging out there. In walks this woman in jeans and leather riding chaps (did I mention this is a biker bar?) and the photo you see is the patch she had on her chaps.

So as I stood there contemplating what exactly to say to her, she caught my in mid-stare. I had to either run for my life or walk over to her. Luckily, I chose the latter, and went over to say hi. She may have looked a little rough around the edges, but she turned out to be quite nice, and also a paralegal. Huh…who would have guessed?

So I asked if i could take a picture of her patch (on her chaps) and she agreed. She laughed, saying that she gets all kinds of funny comments on that thing. I started to ask if she meant that her pussy was fanstatic, if it woud actually kill you, or if maybe there was a third meaning to it I had not considered.

I am still waiting to hear…..

A Year of Sex by Mia Martina

I have not done a book review or promotion of any sort before, but this one was worth waiting for…

A Year of Sex by Mia Martina is a fascinating and hot read. I was blown away by her raw and adventurous willingness to explore not only her own sexual appetite, but her journey of self discovery. In the aftermath of a break up, it is very relatible for all of us. However, how many of us can say we actually did all the things we thought about doing. This book is well worth reading, and you can find it here:

http://ayearofsex.com

Learn more about Mia and her adventures on her website at:

I am going to warn you, this is not for the faint of heart; I think I blushed upon reading a few of these chapters. But I admire her spirit and her willingness to experiment and push her own boundaries. The book is available in paperback and for your ereader….Check it out!!!!

Darren

Take That Barnes & Noble!!!!!

How is this for ridiculous logic, or shoud I say lack of logic. I received a letter from B&N small press department in regards to my submitting both my first and second book for review. In case you did not read the previous post about Book One getting approved as a fiction book, I resubmitted both to try and get them reviewed by the Erotica/Sexuality buyer for approval into this section of the store.

Here was the answer:

“Your books are considered erotica, which fall under the fiction category. The Fiction buyer stated that due to the lack of sales we will not be carrying this title in either section.”

No fucking shit lady…….I resubmitted it to get the book into the correct section of the store so IT WOULD SELL BETTER! Dumbasses. The book does not belong on the shelves next to Tom Clancy and Stephanie Meyer’s books, it belongs amongst the trashy stuff like “Thanking the Receptionist” and “Slow Ride”. I am well aware of what the book offers; it is not a literary classic, I get it. But I wanted it to get a fair shot to stand next to the other books like it, and I was denied. I am pissed.

This has to be the most ridiculous set of logic I have heard in quite a while. Now I realize that I am a whole lot more sensitive to this becasue it is my book and I wanted to accomplish this goal of having my books on the shelves, but come on, seriously?!?!?!?!

So I think in protest I am about to purchase a KINDLE, and download all my books through AMAZON from now on.

Take that B&N!

Hello, My name is Kim Kardashian and I am a fame addict........

So let me get this straight, you stupid fucking whore…you are complaining that you have too many cameras in your life? You, Kim Kardashian, the one who:

–”leaked” a sex tape to become famous.
–Had her own Mother oversee the sale and distribution deal for the above mentioned
sex tape.
–Is famous for no other reason than lying on her back and sticking her ample ass in
the air for her boyfriend and the world to see.
–created a TV show about how fabulous her and the family’s life is, so fabulous that
everyone should watch her daily lives.
–Spawned several spin-off TV shows for her even more worthless sisters (I wonder if
Lamar Odom wakes up at night wondering what the hell he got himself into…)
–gets paid $10K just to tweet about a product or service.
–Sold the rights to her wedding exclusively to TMZ for over $15 million dollars
–Contributed the majority of her family’s $65 million in earnings in 2010
–Married Kris Humphries after less than 6 months of dating
—-was married for 72 DAYS (that’s right, Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra were
married twice that long!)http://www.thehollywoodgossip.com/2011/10/kim-kardashian-on-her-marriage-not-ideal/

I just wanted to clarify all that before I re-asked that question, because it makes you look like a complete and total idiot. If you sell your soul for money, you have to deal with the consequences…that is the trade off. On alot of levels your family is no more dysfunctional than most, with the exception of the famed sex tape and the profiteering of that and everything else since. Get over yourself. Fuck you, you stupid fucking bitch…

And for those of you out there who do give a shit what the Kardashians are up to…get a life of your own, for God sake. This vapid succubus of a person is not worth your idolization.

I think this sums it up, at least from his side of things:

“How am I going to have my career and live in Minnesota?” Kardashian gripes to Humphries in a scene from a preview clip of her E! show Kourtney and Kim Take New York.

“Baby,” Humphries snaps back, “by the time you have kids and they’re in school, no one will care about you.”

Hahahahaha….well played. I can’t wait until you are no more than a featured person on “Where are they now?” show in the future. I hope you are living with your two sisters in a two bedroom apartment, working at Target as a night time stocker by then. Life on the other side would do you a world of good in terms of perspective.

whew…thanks, I feel better now.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/sep/30/mexico-city-fixed-term-marriages

Fixed term marriages, two year contracts, the end is already set…What a concept! Here is the one thing they need to add to make this perfect….NO CHILDREN IN THE FIRST TWO YEAR TEST PERIOD. If you pass the two year test, then you can consider having children, but only if you are financially stable, reasonably intelligent, decent, caring human being and you are both on the same page.

I think this might be a great idea, especially if you talk to any of my married friends. That ring slides on and all of the sudden we get lazy. Men and women both are guilty of it; weight gain, no romance, general disregard for the feelings of the person you were once so in love with, sex life on ice. Suddenly we are tired all the time, fight about who’s turn it is to do the dishes, etc, etc, etc. I know so few married people who are happy with their lives it makes me wonder why anyone does it.

And I realze that most people cannot or do not want to go through life alone. Someone recently asked me “Do you want to grow old alone?” I laughed out loud. Do you mean to I want to give up a lifetime of do what I want, when I want, and who I want for a lifetime of marginally happy years being married in hopes that if in fact I die in a hospital bed that I will have someone to sit by the bed and hold my hand? I don’t think so. Now granted, I may be way off base about this, and I may change my mind in the future, but the way things stand now, I am doing just fine. I hate David Spade, but his character in the TV show “Rules of Engagement” defined it perfectly. He walks into a cafe were two of his couples friends are sitting having lunch together. He joins them briefly, and the women start in on him about getting into a relationship instead of dating younger girls all the time. The men are forced to agree with the women since they are all sitting there together, but secretly yearn for his life. When he stands to leave, the one guy asks “What are you doing now?” His response: “Whatever the Hell I want, when I want.”

I don’t want to make it sound like I am only picking on the ladies here, men are just as guilty. Men marry hoping things will stay exactly the way they are, women marry hoping to mold us into the guy the have always wanted. It is very difficult for two people to grow and mature together. Its the main reason I am so against marriage at a young age: you don’t have a fricken clue who you are, where you are headed, and what you want. How on Earth can you think that your partner is going to be able to make you happy if you can’t do that yourself. Be your own complete, fully realized individual first, then think about partnering up with someone.

So to bring this full circle, I think the two year contract thing is a good idea. It will keep everyone on their toes. It makes you accountable for your actions, which most of us have a difficult time with. Sports teams do this all the time, why not bring this concept to one of the most difficult sports out there: Marriage

If you’ve read some of the other stuff I have posted on this blog, you well know that I have a HUGE distaste for DOUCHEBAGGERY. If there is one downside to living where I do, it would have to be the abundance of Jersey Shore watching, spiky haired fucking morons wearing their sunglasses indoors, driving the cliche Lexus and living in the two bedroom apartment with three other guys in Oldtown Scottsdale just to be “on the scene” at all times. Go to The Dirty or 944.com and you can see scores of them; dying to be a local celebrity, be famous for merely existing, and have people give a shit what they are up to today. Close your twitter account and your facebook page, no one cares that you are going a load of whites and then headed to grub. Take this dickhead:

Suck It!!!!!

Stop acting you are the only one walking the Earth, that we should all step aside as you walk through, and for God sake’s quit hogging up all the fucking parking!!!! Asshole.

Thanks, I feel better now…….

My life is inundated with beautiful women; its just a reality of living in Phoenix. Everywhere you go, there they are. It is easy to take for granted until you go elsewhere for a little bit. But once in a while someone really catches your attention, and the moment is magical. Time stands still and the surrounding world disappears as you focus in on her as she walks towards you…

A huge smile comes over her face as soon as she sees me, and I stand to meet her. The form-fitting skirt clings to her delicious curves, heels accentuate her walk. She moves with grace and confidence; it adds to her appeal. Her hypnotic eyes are entracing. She greets me with open arms, literally. I feel it in her hug, she likes me. Or maybe she just hugs everyone like that, I can never tell. We walk into the coffee shop and I order for her, remembering what she drinks even after all this time. She smiles, noticing I remember. I smile at her smile.

We sit and chat, catching up after quite some time. I fidget at first, slightly nervous even though I pretend not to be. Maybe she does too, and just hides it better than I. As the moments pass I lose interest in anything else around me. I focus on her, listening intently, watching her eyes light up as she speaks. Watching her reactions as I joke with her, question her, challenge her. They never dim, she rarely backpeddles. I find myself talking too much once again, automatically filling the gaps in conversation with white noise. Or maybe she finds it charming, I can never tell.

Ninety minutes pass in a blink. She looks at her phone, realizing the time. She has to leave, and my heart sinks just a little. I walk her to her car, anticipating one more brief moment of heaven as she presses her firm body against mine in a departing hug. A catch a whiff of her perfume; it is light and soft…perfect. I turn and walk away, not really wanting to see her go. I get into the car to leave, and this song is on the radio:

“When you walked into the room, there was voodoo in the vibes. I was captured by your style, but I could not catch your eye. Now I stand here helplessly, hoping you get into me. I am so into you I can’t get to nothing else…..”
Atlanta Rhythm Section

A perfect synchronicity; its what makes the little things in life so impactful some times. I do my best to not let moments like this pass without notice. Life is fleeting; drink in the moments, savor them like a fine wine. Let it breathe, marinate in your brain. It’s okay to dwell on the good things.

It took me a little while to figure out how I got so far off track with my pursuit of making my book project world famous, until I remembered that incident at Changing Hands bookstore in Phoenix. If you read my post about the Chelsea Handler adventure, then you may have pinpointed this before I did. To quote one of the store employees when I inquired about meeting Chelsea “Oh, I wouldn’t if I were you. She’s not acting, she really is that much of a bitch” And if you’ve read her most recent book, you probably draw the same conclusions yourself….

After the flurry of activity I had going, culminating with the Chelsea Handler visit to my home town and my efforts to get in front of her, I guess some sort of a let down was inevitable. But the hangover has lasted too long, and I finally figured out that this particular incident knocked the proverbial wind out of me. Now, it has ground to a halt, and I finally realized it just the other day. So, I am doing something about it.

I am meeting with a “Grammar Doctor” to review my books and possibly clean them up just a tad, adding the finishing polish that they need to reach the next level. I am bugging Barnes & Noble about getting Volume 1 on the shelves again. (as a side bar, I keep going to the stores here in town and taking the books out of the fiction section and putting them in the display section under sexuality. It’s an ongoing battle until I get the book recategorized in their internal system. I’m sure the staff has my photo hanging in the break room with a warning sign under it by now) Anyway, I am trying to write more lately, and am re-reading Steven Pressfield’s “The War of Art” to help fight resistance and procrastination.

So the next big things on the list are another “phoner” to Playboy Radio and then Howard Stern. Having already been on Playboy Radio, that one shouldn’t be too hard. Howard Stern might be another story, but I will figure something out, hopefully.

Now my goal is to get famous and TURN DOWN THE INVITE TO CHELSEA HANDLER’S SHOW. Suck on that!!!!!

OK, I am going to give this a shot in a different way. My book has been available on Kindle for a while now, but I had an idea to increase the exposure of my book. I spent several hours in my favorite Starbucks today uploading two story excerpts for a .99 download. I am hoping giving people a taste for a very inexpensive price will increase the number of people who see and dwonload the stories.

I also am going to work on the audiobook version of my stories, but in a slightly different format. I am going to read them in the first person from my point of view, and have a woman read the “her eyes” version in the first person voice also. I think this will be a better version and more applicable to listening to someone read you the story.

Yes, the rumors of my demise have been highly exaggerated…I’m back in action…….

I loved that show. Seinfeld managed to address every social interaction situation know to mankind, and this was always one of my favorites. George Costanza arguing with a woman that it was not her fault that they were breaking up, it was his….classic

Oddly enough, it seems my life has sort of followed suit for the past decade or so. I think a better quote would be from one of my many favorite cheesy 70′s songs, this one by the Marshall Tucker Band entitled “Heard it in a Love Song” The song opens with:

“I ain’t never been with a woman long enough
for my boots to get old
But we been together so long now
they both need resoled.
If I ever settled down, woman you be my kind
So its a good time for me to head on down the line.”

I am not afraid of commitment. What scares the shit out of me was defined perfectly by Neil Strauss in The Game. “What scares me is the idea of fighting with the one I love over who’s turn it is to do the dishes. To slowly but surely become less attracted to the person I sleep next to every night. To slide down the ladder of position in my partners heart once we have children. That’s what scares me.”

Perfectly described…it is how I feel about the whole relationship thing. It is a tough thing for most people to understand, especially women. I have lots of male friends who are suffering from the same exact things I mention above, but yet don’t work to make their relationships better or extricate themselves from their misery and face being alone. I like being alone; I am on occassion lonely but I honestly believe that I am far better off dealing with this on occassion than I am waking up one day and finding myself with a woman who has become my roomate.

I want it all; I want to make lots of money, travel and see the world and make love to beautiful women in every country. I want to pick up on a moment’s notice and go flyfishing for a week at a time. I want to do what I want when I want, and because I am cognizant of this I am not married nor do I have kids. My life is about me, and as shallow as that sounds, at least I am not ruining someone else’s life in the process as I slowly come to terms with my true inner self.

My writing has stalled out lately as I search to find the place within that is the vortex within my life. I miss it; I miss the creative outpour and the satisfaction of a job well done. I miss creating something that is uniquely mine and no one else’s. I miss creating something unique and enviable. I personally believe myself to be more free than most people, and I also exercise that freedom more often than others.

Don’t get me wrong, it comes with a price. However, I do not consider waking up alone much of a price to pay. I am lucky to have a close circle of friends that help fulfill my need for companionship, and as for sex, well……you’ve read the book, haven’t you?